Okay, I stopped posting because my dad got a hold of the email address, and while I find the happenings in Derby hysterical, I can see that by a father's perspective, they might not be....
I met Evan when he was moving in - a guy my age with all his teeth. Alright! So I chatted with him, welcomed him to the building, joked about what a slum this place was. He knew already, which is probably a bad sign to start with.
Then nothing for the next 1 to 2 months.
It was mid week, I was asleep, because that is what people who have jobs do at night. At around 2am there is loud knocking on my door. Relentless. Now, I live by myself, and this is not a welcome sound to be awakened to. It is not stopping. What do I do? Who is it? I remembered to deadbolt the door, right? What weapons do I have? Where is my cell phone? Is there a lock on my bedroom door to that I can use?
Finally after about 5 to 10 minutes (time passes slowly when you are freaking out). I get up with my can of mace (there is also a nice IKEA steak knife that I could use in the kitchen). By the time I get into the living room the mysterious knocker has identified himself. "It's Evan, let me in." And all I could think was Evan, who?
me: "Evan, who?!"
him: "It's Evan, I have cats."
me: ????
him: "I'm drunk."
me: yeah, I can tell.
him: "We met when I was moving in, I live upstairs."
me: this rings a bell.
him: "Let me in, I want to see your rabbits"
me: "It is late"
him: "Open the door"
me: that is the last thing I will do. "I am already in bed"
him: "put some clothes on and we can hang out"
me: what does he imagine I am wearing now!?! "It is late"
him: Are you alone (or something to the effect of that)
me: Stupidly after surveying my apartment - let's see FuFu the boy bunny, and some male tadpoles.... "Yes and I need to work tomorrow"
him: "Oh, what do you do?"
me: why am I having this conversation? "I am a teacher."
him: "My girlfriend is a teacher!"
me: why is he knocking on my door at 2:30 am if he has a girlfriend? "It is late, I need to get up, talk to me tomorrow"
him: I don't remember what he said, but he left.
So then it took me another hour to calm down enough to fall asleep.
The Next Night
Again, knocking on the door in the middle of the night. But this time it only lasted for a few minutes, then he gave up.
The Following Day
Seeing as this is getting ridiculous, I make a trip up to his apartment and knock on the door. I let him know that he can't knock on my door after 9pm. I need to sleep. He said he just did it the once, and I let him know that it was actually twice. He just wanted to cuddle. (This makes perfect sense and a good reason to knock on a strangers door at 2am) I reminded him that he had a girlfriend. And he let me know that it was over between them. Which is interesting because he introduced me to her a few times in the upcoming weeks.
Outside the apartment - Sunny Afternoon
I was talking to Michael, my favorite neighbor (deaf, middle aged, and gay) and Evan butts in, then when he realizes that I am only talking to Michael he leaves. Michael does not like Evan, he does not like drug dealers. He says that Evan is a crack dealer. On my way back into the apartment, Evan is talking to a car on the road and he comes jogging back to me: "Hey, do you smoke or party [do drugs I forget the language he used]" no. "Can I get some of your piss?" no. "Come on!" NO! "Why not?!?"
A few days later - Sunny Afternoon
I was working in my garden and Evan comes up drinking a bottle of Corona. We are chatting. I find out he gets $2000 a month from the government because he is bipolar. This gets me mad as that doesn't seem quite fair to the non addicts who have to work for a living. He is able bodied enough to do some work. I don't see why he gets money for nothing. Maybe the government should make people work for their Section 8 money. Like construction, or day care, or litter clean up, painting buildings, cleaning government buildings or something.
But I digress. He wants to know if I have any prescription drugs. At this I get mad at him. "First you want my piss, now you want drugs?!" This confused him: "I asked you for piss? I must have been really messed up." Fantastic excuse "IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON!" He took off after that.
A couple weeks later - Outside on the Sidewalk
Michael lets me know that Evan got arrested the previous night. I wasn't home, so I didn't see it. I see Evan and decide to have a little fun with him. "So I hear you get arrested last night." And he brushes it off and wants to know if I saw it. So I let him save a little face by conceding that he was probably just having a little chat with the cops.
Then
He stopped me on the stairwell. "Hey, just in case I don't see you before Monday, I wanted to say goodbye." okay. "I am going away for a while. I don't know if I am going to jail or will get probation." makes sense. [and this is my favorite sentence uttered by anyone looking to win points with me] "Oh.... it is nothing bad I am just a misdemeanor kind of guy!" Okay, well goodbye and good luck.
A couple of days ago
I saw him on the stairwell talking on his cell, so where ever he was, he is back. But shucks, he is only a misdemeanor kind of guy!
